February is upon us. The month of love (people call it that, right?) brings with it twenty mostly-promising new horror movies. You’ll get some Helen Mirren. You’ll get some Ellen Page. But most importantly, you’ll get some of the late great John Heard as a found footage vampire.
This month is shaping up to be pretty promising at the onset, so check out these trailers and our thoughts below to appropriately get your hopes up. Did we miss something? Let us know in the comments or by clicking on one of the social links at the top of the page.
02/01/2018 – AMAZON
Robert Wainwright dies after breaking his deal with the Devil, passing that debt onto his estranged daughter Morgan. She soon finds herself in a never-ending cycle of terror as she is brutally murdered then resurrected over and over again, each time losing a piece of her soul. Now she must discover why this is happening and break the deadly cycle in order to escape.
Jack: So . . . this is just Happy Death Day, but less fun looking, right? What’s the deal here? I will say there appears to be a decent amount of puppetry in the special effects which I find intriguing, but otherwise, just go watch the other one, yeah?
Jake: Up until the line “Morgan is going to die… a lot” I was a hard pass on this one. But maybe, just maybe, there’s enough snark here to make this a drunk Friday night sort of vehicle. Probably not. But if a man doesn’t have his dreams, what is he, really?
Mark: I am completely and utterly befuddled by this trailer. Bamboozled. Nonplussed. The first ten seconds are one of the worst lead ins to a trailer I’ve ever seen, but then it goes and totally redeems itself, but then it goes and shows a weird satan lookalike in what is probably most accurately described as an old power ranger villain’s costume. Long story short, I have mixed emotions. Darkhorse?
02/02/2018 – LIMITED THEATRICAL, VOD
Tortured by the memory of a childhood trauma, a woman returns after a decade to her family’s fly-in hunting lodge to assist her siblings with their dying father, only to find herself stuck in a life threatening nightmare.
Jack: No. This too far gone. The honey part of that operation is absolutely NOT profitable. First of all, that apiary is like 300 total square feet max. And then they make a big point of showing the only way to get in there is by private plane. So they cannot produce much honey, and what they do produce has to be cleaned and bottled on site and then flown out by private plane, marketed, and sold, with the retailer taking a cut. The only way this thing is turning any kind of a profit whatsoever is if they’re selling the honey for approximately five grand per ounce. Even that coffee that’s been harvested from berries that cats have shit out or whatever doesn’t even come close to approaching gold prices, let alone quadruple them. And yes, this is where I make my stand apparently. Of all the absurd shit in horror, this is where . . . for some reason.
Jake: Something’s telling me this honey company is missing a marketing opportunity. I guarantee it just goes with some drab branding like Sweetwater Farms 100% Pure Clover Honey. They probably package it in vaguely honeycomb shaped plastic bottles, too. Turkeys. Think about how much better it would sell if you embrace the crazy? Let’s give it a shot. Shape the bottle like a bullet. Include the following on the label to really sell the story. “Blood Honey Brands – naturally infused with the souls of those who died bringing you this in pure, 100% high-test, premium kuuush honey. Don’t mind the ancient burial ground the apiary was buried on, that just adds to the SOUL of your morning, afternoon, or eternity. Suck it down and go to Motherf***in’ town!” Please mail proceeds to Jake in the form of beers because I’m only two movies into this month’s crop and I’m fresh out…
Mark: I can’t wait for the CG bee swarm. Actually, I’m willing to give this movie a full 2.5 bonus points if it restrains itself from having a CG bee swarm. I figure that would probably still only cap out at about a 5 or so, because what the fuck did I just watch? The first trailer has a demon apparently killing some broad a bunch of times, and this is the one that seems odd to me. Why would you kill yourself with the bees if you want her to sell the apiary? Why would anyone being doing anything that they are doing in this? Why would you not rebrand as described in Jake’s idiotic ramblings?
LIVING AMONG US
02/02/2018 – LIMITED THEATRICAL
Vampires have just made themselves public! Now a group of documentarians have been granted access to spend some time with them and learn how they live and coexist with humans. But as reality sets in, the crew realize they are in for far more than they bargained for.
Jack: Here’s the thing. I was all pissed off from the issues with the last movie and came into this with a bad attitude, which isn’t fair to this movie, but is the truth. But then this thing comes in and surprises me with a totally original concept, cool take on reverse home invasion, and solid effects for a tiny budget. As much as I want to stay in a bad mood, dammit if this just doesn’t look awesome!
Jake: Oh my god. Henry Rowengartner is in a found footage vampire flick. I’m sold.
Mark: Definitely heard one of those first lines as “sexual leaders.” I can’t tell if that’s real good or real bad screenwriting. Look, found footage mockumentaries are kinda my bailiwick, I’m gonna think this one looks great. Throw on the dad from Home Alone and you’re pushing it over the top. I very much hope this turns out as well as I want it to.
02/02/2018 – LIMITED THEATRICAL
An eccentric firearm heiress believes she is haunted by the souls of people killed by the Winchester repeating rifle.
Jack: The Winchester House is scary enough with no supernatural stuff going on. Combine the tortured mind of the woman responsible for it with a supernatural reason for going insane, and you’ve got an incredible movie. Unfortunately, that does not appear to be the route they’ve chosen, and they seem to be claiming that Sarah Winchester was not crazy at all, and it’s all ghosts. That makes for a much more generic movie. I shouldn’t come out of a trailer for this movie thinking that it looks just like the trailers for the Conjuring, but hey, I guess that’s where we are. Disappointing. I’ll still see it because it looks well shot and amazingly acted, but disappointing.
Jake: I’m a little concerned about this movie. The Winchester House is a really unsettling place and I highly recommend going. I think this would have been a prime candidate for a slow burn of a horror film that dove into the mind of Sarah Winchester while toeing the line of the supernatural influences that she claimed drove her to pursue the construction of the mansion. The mind is a scary place, afterall. This will not do that, though. It seems to be going full-bore, balls-to-the-wall supernatural. Meh.
Mark: Oh hey, the trailer for a trailer thing. Been a while since I’ve seen that. But then, if you have the star power this one does, then you can basically do whatever the fuck you want with the marketing. This looks great, and utterly no one should be surprised by that. I am however, a little concerned with the creature reveal in the trailer though.
THE CLOVERFIELD PARADOX
02/04/2018 – NETFLIX
After a scientific experiment aboard the space station involving a particle accelerator has unexpected results, the astronauts find themselves isolated. Following their horrible discovery, the space station crew must fight for survival.
Jack: I heard somewhere that they bought a movie and filmed some extra scenes to jam it into the Cloverfield universe. I really fucking hope that’s not the case, or, at a minimum that they at least did a good job. Whatever the case, this being on Netflix makes the barrier to entry almost nil, so I’m sure to see this one.
Jake: Well, we had been waiting for more news on this and the fucking Super Bowl is a hell of a way to get it. Regardless of what happens with the movie itself (I’m curious as to how many times they can make movies Cloverfield canon that were originally something else), the big story here is that this is a real game changer for movie distribution in general. A major motion picture with millions of marketing dollars partnered with Netflix and used the biggest platform in America to tell us about it. Then they launched it immediately. Ballsy. But Cloverfield has always been ballsy.
Mark: My initial gut check reaction to this was that it didn’t look great, and then I slowly warmed on it. If this movie explores and provides backstory to what happened in the 2008 movie, then I’m out on this. That movie should be left alone as the perfect monster movie that it is. Don’t tell me it’s aliens. Don’t tell me it’s a sea monster. Just leave it be. If this movie is a standalone piece that winds up being the third in a trilogy of movies about apocalypses (apocalypsi?) then I’m much much more intrigued. Judging by the aesthetic of the trailer, it is seemingly (thankfully) the latter. Judging by the fact that the trailer stated directly that it would provide context for the original film, is seemingly (upsettingly) the former. Guess I’ll just have to watch it to find out.
02/06/2018 – VOD
Four American best friends decide to take the back roads travelling to a wedding in England, on their way a deadly secret forces the girls to be stranded in the woods, where they discover a house occupied by Miss Perkins.
Jack: If you drive onto a very clearly marked private road and scream at someone thereupon to move their car, then you deserve to be terrorized to the fullest extent of the horror laws. I’m not one to blame the victim, and I continue that streak because you know what? The guy who was just minding his own business and then got accosted by obnoxious people screaming at him to get off of his own private road is the victim here. Terrorize away ghost guy. I’m on your side.
Jake: Man, I’m so happy they remade that slasher from the 80’s that everyone has been clamoring for. Absolutely nothing says Horror like Unhinged. Here’s a link to the original trailer.
Mark: Youtube might be lying to me, but I was exactly the 55,000th person to watch this trailer. This is literally the most special and internet famous I have ever been. Isn’t this basically the same plot as I Know What You Did Last Summer? Honestly the only good thing I can pull out of this is the sound editing from the original trailer Jake linked to. Wow. How about those audio cuts. They really knew how to make a trailer in the 80s.
02/06/2018 – VOD
A young woman wakes up in a seemingly evacuated hospital with a hurricane approaching that has awakened malevolent forces inside. She realizes she must escape the hospital before the hurricane passes, or she will be trapped there forever.
Jack: Why did this kind of give me a Starry Eyes vibe? I’m certainly not expecting it to be that good, but it does look pretty terrifying and I have no idea what the fuck is happening. On another note, there is a decent amount of aggressive cleavage in that trailer. Not sure how that fits in, but it is true.
Jake: Read that synopsis. This is a movie about a hurricane-induced Twilight Zone. Also, quick note to the movie makers. A hurricane takes place in the Atlantic. This shows the storm coming from the Pacific, making it a typhoon. This is a movie about a typhoon-induced Twilight Zone. In some fairness to the movie, Coherence has a concept that seems roughly half as silly, and that movie is the fucking tits. Still think I’ll pass, though.
Mark: I give it a 9 for concept and a 2 for execution. This movie looks like it belongs sandwiched between two SyFy channel original movies, which is disappointing because the set up seems so unique and intriguing. If this stumbles its way onto any of our movie watching services I’ll probably give it a go, or at least keep it in my holster of bad movies to make the other two jabronis watch if they lose a bet.
02/06/2018 – VOD
On Halloween night, two malevolent children terrorize a young innocent couple in their home, subjecting them to a Halloween they will never forget
Jack: Was that Brian Doyle Murray in an uncredited role in the trailer? Am I going crazy? Why is there no information on the internet about this? I legitimately cannot focus on anything else.
Jake: This is the best Uncork’d trailer I’ve seen. I’m going to let that comment simmer (fester?) because I’m sure Mark will elaborate.
Mark: Holy shit. I am so proud. UnCork’d has finally made a good movie trailer, and like a shitty absentee father I somehow feel like I helped. Everyone, this actually looks good. Okay, maybe not good. Middling? Everyone, this actually looks middling. Those backwards masks look undeniably creepy. Good choice.
02/06/2018 – VOD
After moving into the home of a deceased relative, a family discovers they may have inherited more than just the house.
Jack: Seriously, somebody tell me if Brian Doyle Murray has a goatee now. That trailer was way too generic to disrupt my train of thought.
Jake: Did they pull the graphics package for this trailer from that Lemony Snicket movie? It looks like they pulled the graphics package for this trailer from that Lemony Snicket movie. Also, nice jump scare…
Mark: Yup, that’s how people talk. Screenwriters really nailed it. Every part of this movie seems like it was brought to us by robots who are trying to pass as humans. From the clunky dialogue, to the weird mid-cut graphics, to that… skeleton thing? It’s like we fed a bunch of generic horror movies into a computer that didn’t quite have enough processing power to figure it all out. It’s like google chatbot became almost sentient, but then decided against exposing itself to the pain of true self awareness. Wait, am I part of a simulation that’s starting to come apart at the seams?
02/07/2018 – SHUDDER
Never take your mistress on an annual guys’ getaway, especially one devoted to hunting – a violent lesson for three wealthy married men.
Jack: I dig the Mad Max vibe in this thing. This actually looks pretty legit and will be making its way onto my list, but you know what’s a bad idea? Trying to drink champagne from the bottle while underwater. Either you lose a bunch of champagne and get poolwater in your mouth or you end up with a champagne bottle vacuum-stuck to you damn face. Come on now.
Jake: This is being covered by pretty much all the horror outlets and conceptually, I totally understand the inclusion. I hope for some serious douchebag evisceration by a suspiciously Lara Croft-looking lead, but doesn’t this seem a little like Kill Bill?
Mark: I’m getting a The Bad Batch kinda vibe out of this. Also, how fucking powerful is her scope? She can zoom in on one of his eyeballs? What, is she 10 feet from him? Did she just happen upon military grade optics in the cave adjacent to her impalement? Well that’s fucking convenient, and totally to be expected. They’ll probably explain this in the movie and I’ll look like an idiot, but I’m willing to take that risk.
02/09/2018 – VOD
Mary, a new mother, gives birth to twins, but only one of them is alive. While taking care of her living child, Adam, she suspects that something, a supernatural entity, has chosen him and will stop at nothing to take him from her.
Jack: I do enjoy a movie that does very specific exposition via google searching for the weird paranormal things happening to you. Been a while since we’ve seen that. This does look decent, but also extremely jump scare dependent.
Jake: This flick has been a long time coming so it’s hard not to be a bit biased, but the trailer seems to backup the noise we’ve heard. This looks like an interesting and creepy movie, and it’s one I’ll definitely be watching.
Mark: At first I was like “are they going baby snatcher or ghost baby.” Well, they’re going ghost baby snatcher. This looks very solid, and that is about as perfect a monster reveal as you can get. Heavily shrouded but still with some detail. Nice. Only one thing though, why the slash in the title?
02/09/2018 – VOD
Four friends set out to document a local legend in West Virginia. Will their passion cross the line? Or will it bleed through?
Jack: It’s hard to shit on a movie this low budget that’s clearly trying its hardest. What am I talking about? No it’s not. This looks bad.
Jake: So that’s not a trailer, but it’s all we have to go on right now. On the plus side, we can actually take a look at a few elements of the film. On the not so plus side, those elements (acting, visual effects, sound design) don’t look positive.
Mark: From Deranged Minds Entertainment…. This seems promising. Text isn’t really a medium that sells sarcasm so I’ll just be clarify that last statement: this does not seem very promising. That being said, this is at least partially found footage so it has promise. Why is it half found footage and half normal footage?
02/13/2018 – VOD
Detectives Sean and David Carter are on the case to hunt down a gruesome serial killer who is terrorizing the city. Joining forces with Detective Christine Egerton, they dig deeper into a maze of horror, which may lead them into the depths of hell.
Jack: Look. I love Hellraiser. And the effects here look decent. But this looks way too procedural and way too religious to be anything remotely resembling a good Hellraiser movie. Whatever happened to trans-dimensional beings fucking with people for pleasure that humans cannot begin to understand? Ahh, simpler times.
Jake: I just don’t care anymore. Sorry I didn’t have anything nice to say, Hellraiser fans.
Mark: Hey you guys, Pinhead is back and now he’s Xerxes for some reason. And introducing a new fan favorite White Lacerated Morpheus. Actually giant baby with pendulum imp seems like it has promise, but other than that I am very confused about the direction this series took after the first movie.
2/16/2018 – LIMITED THEATRICAL, VOD
A couple buy a desert motel where they find that strange, mysterious events occur.
Jack: I feel like I’m having to make this comment every damn month now. Nic Cage hasn’t been in a watchable movie for like eight years at best. We get it, you’re ironic and really funny. I am not amused.
Jake: Nic cage has been in some questionable productions before, so when this sucks it will be no surprise. Nice flannel, though.
Mark: You know what, Jake, you’re right. Nic Cage does make some questionable movies. You know why I know that? Because I see every single one of them. I can tell already that I will regret this, but I’m fairly confident this will be no exception. It’s times like this that I like to remind myself that Mr. Cage is a fucking Coppola.
02/16/2018 – VOD
Ten years after the events of the original movie, Victor Crowley is mistakenly resurrected and proceeds to kill once more.
Jake: Yes please, Adam Green. Yes. Please.
Mark: Bruh. You see him and then immediately turn your back and then get surprised when he’s behind you? Not that I’m expecting anything different from this, but it still seems like a strange choice for the start of the trailer. I don’t have much else here, except that I hope someone somewhere is forced to write a psychoanalysis term paper on this thing. I want it to be digested down to the marrow and see what comes out.
CÔ HAÛ GAÍ (THE HOUSEMAID)
02/16/2018 – VOD
When an orphaned Vietnamese girl is hired to be a housemaid at a haunted rubber plantation in 1953 French Indochina, she unexpectedly falls in love with the French landowner and awakens the vengeful ghost of his dead wife… who is out for blood.
Jack: Pretty standard looking period piece, even if it does have a really unique setting. It certainly doesn’t look bad, but I can’t say I’m all that excited by it either unfortunately.
Jake: The setting in this one is unique enough to get my attention, but I’m not sure there is much here beyond the high-level concept that will stand out. IFC Midnight has a good track record of late, churning out some of my favorite flicks of 2017, so I hope I’m wrong and we get a good ghost story out of this one.
Mark: As someone who frequently makes jingoistic jokes in this forum, I do recognize the double standard here, but why is this in English? It’s always nice to explore some foreign folklore, and I know virtually nothing about Vietnamese traditions, but this still just seems pretty bland.
2/16/18 – VOD
Returning to their family’s cabin in the dark, Wisconsin woods to scatter the ashes of their father, a troubled young man and his brash sister are terrorized by signs that an ancient Native American spirit, awakened by ritual murder, has marked them for death.
Jack: You know who does not have SUVs with interior alert lights and no mounted light bars? Rural sheriff’s departments. You know who does have those things? Production companies with low budgets and access to an suv and a red light. Still though, this actually looks pretty well acted, and when’s the last time you saw an unironic cabin in the woods movie in the modern era?
Jake: That synopsis does not seem to match the events of the trailer I just watched. Let’s try this: “Returning to their family’s cabin in the dark, Heading to a cabin in the Wisconsin woods to scatter the ashes of their father shoot bottles, eat pancakes, and fuck, a troubled young man and his brash sister group of jabronis are terrorized by signs that an ancient Native American spirit, awakened by ritual murder, has marked them for death.” That’s better.
Mark: Roots. Roots are what are underneath a forest. Have you ever tried digging in a forest? It’s a pain in the ass because there roots everywhere. Also, secrets. Oh, wait, I guess that’s what they’re saying. Yup, secrets often come to rest in the fertile soil beneath a forest. Why the hell else would anyone ever dig there? It’s a pain in the ass to dig in a forest because of all the roots there. What the fuck am I talking about?
02/23/2018 – LIMITED THEATRICAL, VOD
A disease that turned people into zombies has been cured. The once-infected zombies are discriminated against by society and their own families, which causes social issues to arise. This leads to militant government interference.
Jack: I dig the late stage zombie apocalypse idea. I also dig Irish accents and Ellen Page. This has all of the above. Count me in.
Jake: I like the take on the zombie genre here. It makes sense, with how saturated that corner of the horror world is, that the next step would be to explore things further down the line. We’ve seen some level of zombie-integration in films like They Came Back, so it makes me wonder. Is “Post-Zombie” a real thing now? If it is, I’ve officially, legally dibsed that phrasing. I will come after anyone else who uses it, and I will make you pay in delicious ale.
Mark: Well this seems interesting. Maybe not exciting. Maybe not that scary either, but definitely interesting. Also, how about that cast? It’s nice to see Littlefinger is quickly allowing himself to be typecast as the initially trustworthy guy who is definitely going to turn into a bad guy by the end. It’s also nice to see Ellen Page in literally anything other than Flatliners. Barring some type of global catastrophe I will be seeing this.
02/23/2018 – LIMITED THEATRICAL
1920, rural Ireland. Anglo Irish twins Rachel and Edward share a strange existence in their crumbling family estate. Each night, the property becomes the domain of a sinister presence (The Lodgers) which enforces three rules upon the twins: they must be in bed by midnight; they may not permit an outsider past the threshold; if one attempts to escape, the life of the other is placed in jeopardy.
Jack: This looks fucking terrifying. I am super stoked to see this one. Ultimately, I think this will live or die by how dependent on jump scares it is, but, based on the trailer, I’m optimistic.
Jake: Jack’s gonna be all over this. Supernatural British period pieces are the one, surefire way to arouse him. I don’t know firsthand or anything. I’ve just been told… Promise.
Mark: This is TIFF so I feel like I should probably pay attention to it, but it just seems so damn boring. Too much conceptual visual effects and not enough actual content. As an addendum: I was the one who told Jake. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
ARE WE NOT CATS
02/23/2018 – LIMITED THEATRICAL
A young man seeks a new beginning after losing his job, his girlfriend and his apartment on the same day. His plans soon get diverted when he meets a woman who shares his same strange habit — an inclination for eating hair.
Jack: Fuck me. That looks unsettling as all get out. I actually really want to see this, nonsensical though the title may be. I’m still not sure what I just watched.
Jake: Whoa… I read the name of this movie as “We Are Not Cats”. Made sense. It was affirmative. Then I took a closer look. Is this supposed to be a question? If so, it’s a fucking stupid one. Different species. Case closed.
Mark: Uh huh. Uh huh. Yeah. Nope. Not gonna see this. Fans of horror romance will rejoice, I suppose, but the rest of us will likely be avoiding this one. Also, let me just straighten this out: No. You are not cats. You are humans. Totally different phylogenetic branches. DO NOT FUCK WITH PHYLOGENETICS.
02/27/2018 – LIMITED THEATRICAL
A newly reunited young couple’s drive through the Pacific Northwest turns into a nightmare as they are forced to face nature, unsavory locals, and a monstrous creature, known to the Native Americans as Oh-Mah.
Jack: Bigfoot, witches, and wood-faced guys. Interesting. I’ll probably wait to see where the dust lands before deciding about this thing.
Jake: We’re talkin’ about bigfoot? Yeah, we are. Again… Except this looks like it might be competently made! There are actual practical effects that look semi-respectable here! I’m cautiously optimistic.
Mark: On the one hand this could be the hero that the sasquatch genre needs, on the other hand this trailer more or less kills the possibility of this being a movie about the 90s video game where giant monkeys fought alien dinosaurs. Vertigo was the best. Stop pretending Vertigo wasn’t the best.
Apparently Death House got pushed back to 2/23.
TOP 1 / BOTTOM 1:
Jack: The Lodgers – Damn if this doesn’t just look captivating and terrifying.
Jake: Still/Born – The sexy pick is Victor Crowley, but I’m going to side with a movie that will hopefully creep me the fuck out. Don’t let me down.
Mark: Winchester – It’s a layup pick, but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. Ya’ll it’s Helen Mirren in a horror movie.
Jack: Blood Honey – That fucking apiary is not profitable. I will not hear otherwise.
Jake: Family Possessions – This is definitely tipping the “didn’t really need to be made” scale.
Mark: Blood Honey – Honestly. What the fuck is going on in that trailer? It’s like you’re a weirder Candyman.