Some things in life are worth repeating. Your first sexual experience, perhaps. Your wedding day. That time your favorite football team won the Super Bowl. The birth of your first child. A bland, rehashed storyline?
Final Destination 5 attempts to bring success to numero cinco, a feat that most franchises are not capable of accomplishing. This time around, Death causes a freak accident on a suspension bridge, killing everyone but eight lucky (or unlucky) paper company workers. Now, they are dying one by one, and time is running low to figure out Death’s devious secret.
Haven’t I seen this movie before? Oh, yeah, that’s right! It was called Final Destination 1…and 2…and 3…and 4. Oh, I’m sorry, it wasn’t called “Final Destination 4”. It was called “The Final Destination”, a title that suggests the pain and agony that the franchise has inflicted on this horror fan would long be over. Liars, I tell you.
FD5 is the biggest waste of time that I have witnessed in a while. The characters are unlikable and unrealistically ignorant to the situation. Survivors of the first accident keep dying in freak coincidences…nothing to fear, right? Nope, just go about your normal lives, nothing to see here…only a Buddha statue about to smash your head in. Not only are the characters oblivious, but they can’t act. Gems like, “Seriously, nobody dies during a massage” are too frequent for anyone in this movie to be taken genuinely. Horror legend Tony Todd is hardly a noise in the forest, making brief appearances in three scenes, all in which he fails to shine. Not his fault, really. I’d blame it more on the script and the storyline, or lack thereof. The effects are somewhat impressive but too over the top to be earnestly considered. The shock of guts flying at you in 3D loses its muster within the first thirty minutes.
The tiny speck of hope that comes from this lackluster endeavor is the comedy of David Koechner (The Office, Anchorman). His obsessive impulsive calls to Agent Block are amusing and his disinterest in his employees is a humorous, albeit authentic, depiction of reality. When a wrench embeds itself in his forehead, KC and I couldn’t help but whisper, “Whammy!!”
My question is this: Why does Death allow these chosen prophets to have visions of the catastrophe before it happens? Death controls everything else, doesn’t it? It causes air conditioning units to leak, blows up planes, and cuts into victims with Lasik lasers, yet it can’t stop an unwitting adolescent from having a vision?
Certain things are worth repeating. I don’t think I’d repeat my first sexual experience, for it lasted all of thirty seconds and was somewhat embarrassing. I can understand a wedding day, or the birth of a child, or watching your favorite team score the winning touchdown, but a retelling of a story that never changes? An underachieving story, at that. Horror fans keep eating it up, though, and that is why I have figured out the final destination for enthusiasts of this franchise: idiocy.