Hello, I’m Michael Myers and I’m a high school janitor – but I also like to rock out. I know what you are thinking, “I loved you on Wayne’s World”. That’s not me, dick. I just push a broom and kill for the thrill on the side. On a typical day at here at Haddonfield High, jocks, nerds and goth kids line the hall making my life a living hell.
People often ask me, Michael, why do you do it? Why do you kill these kids? You really want to know why? Because they are pricks that’s why.Cleaning boogers off the lockers, catching kids doing it in the bathrooms taking X. Damn rave generation. If I hear one more kid talk about Bassnecter or dub step I’ll murder them. Wait, I plan on doing that anyway so I guess that isn’t much of a threat…sigh.
Plus they are evolving by using all this technology that surrounds them on a daily basis. I have to keep up with the times – even as a deranged killer. I don’t know how many times I have caught them using their “smart phones” in the hallway when I’m mopping up blood from my latest victim. Which by the way that is the only thing “smart” about them. Did your “smart” phone’s GPS tell you to run up the stairs of a two story house when I have a butcher knife with your name on it? The best part is when I check their facebook statuses they tell me where their location is! “Near Haddonfield…7:59 PM.” Great I’ll be right there to pin you to a wall with by big ol’ knife. Now trending #yourenext
All that being said, it could be worse. I mean I have a key to the girls locker room, and 3 months paid time off a year. Can’t beat that. My favorite class to creep on is probably anatomy. I can brush up on my technique. Little side hobby of mine.
Speaking of hobbies, as I said before I’m really big into music. In fact, Slipknot stole their entire look from me. They are pretty good guys, can’t believe how big they are in the music world now. I remember when they use to make trips from Iowa to visit here in Illinois for the weekend. In fact they made so many trips here they almost called their band “Ilinoise” but in the end Slipknot won out. When Corey was staying at my place I taught him how to tie a slipnot around his balls while he masturbated. Kind of an inside joke of ours. They always use to make fun of my mask for being a cast of William Shatner but when you are broke you take what you can get to hide your identity.
My real break in music came from Robert Zombie. He called me one day and said, “Michael I want to do a bio pic on you”. Of course I was thrilled to not only do a movie with Rob showing people how I live my life but also for the chance to rock with him off set. Many people don’t know this but I actually played bass for Rob when he tours with Alice Cooper. True story. That’s the only time I really get any ass. You know groupie ass. Most of the time it’s pretty hard to have a real relationship with a girl when you are trying to figure out which boob to cut off first. Pretty hard to meet woman at work when you are surround by teenagers all day. Every once in a while I get some weird goth chicks approaching me for a threesome – but I’m a janitor not a teacher, so I decline the offer. I may kill and clean for a living but I am a gentleman.
*Mr Myers please report to freshman hall for clean-up* intercom system
Well shit, that’s me. I guess we’re going to have to wrap this up. If Jimmy threw up in the hallway I swear to god I will murder his ass. Chances are I will anyway but that is beside the point.
Before I leave do you want to take a quick peek in the woman’s locker room? It’s 3rd hour senior class and most of them are 18 so it’s totally cool….No? Alright whatever pervert.
*walks away whistling Alice Cooper’s School’s Out for Summer*