Welcome to Gruesome Twosome Double Feature! What we do is pit two campy and cheesy horror flicks against each other in an all out grudge match. Here is how it works:

Kent and Kelly break down the movies into five different categories and rate them 1-5 for each category. We tally up all the scores and the movie with the most points comes out victorious.

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DK = Donald Kent | CK = Chris Kellly

The categories were chosen in a very deliberate manner because it is in our opinion that people watch these type of movies for certain entertainment value portrayed in our article. There even could be a scenario where we prefer a movie, but it could lose because the lack of overall entertainment value, besides is there really a preference for these types of moves? We also have a BIZARRE BOUNUS POINT for any movie that walks a little on the crazy side.

 

 

“SILENT NIGHT DEADLY NIGHT”
VS “DON’T OPEN TILL XMAS”

You better watch out. You better not cry. Better not pout. I’m telling you why. Santa Claus is coming to town. If you haven’t guessed yet, we are reviewing two movies that involve Christmas and the big red guy himself. This ought to be good, we have “Silent Night, Deadly Night” vs. “Don’t Open Till Christmas,” but instead of pleasant “Jingle Bells,” we’re about to succumb to JINGLE HELL…

 

 

SILENT NIGHT DEADLY NIGHT

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STAR POWER

DK = 2.0      CK = 1.0

DK: This film has no real stars, but it does have Linnea Quigley who horror fans might recognize form “The Return of the Living Dead” and “A Nightmare on Elm Street 4.” Apparently she’s not afraid to show her Ta-Ta’s on film, so most of the fans probably won’t recognize here face, but some might recognize her boobs.

CK: Another movie with nobody to recognize. I was surprised with how well the cast did however. For the most part, the cast did a very respectable job. Lots of hotties showing off their anatomy, and lots of bloody death scenes. This is exactly what I was hoping for.

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SCARE FACTOR
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DK = 1.0      CK = 2.0

DK: The scariest part of this movie is not the killing scenes themselves, for the most part they were pretty tame, no the scares come from the Mother Superior character who has a fetish for abusing little boys. Now that is someone I wouldn’t want to meet in a dark alley. If she tried to pull that shit on me, I would Karate chop her shin, steal her ruler and stick it up her *****.

CK: If you are waiting for that “jump out of your seat and shit your pants scene,” then you must look a little further. This one has some lots of blood, but nothing that is too unexpected. The scariest part of this whole thing is knowing that all that hot ass was wasted on someone other than me.

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SEXY SCENES

DK = 4.0      CK = 4.5

DK: Boobs…Boobs….and more Boobs. This flick didn’t skimp on the nudity. I really believe there was a tit shot every 15 minutes in the first half of the film. A scene involving Linnea Quigley was totally unnecessary. I mean who opens their front door looking for their dog with their tits flapping in the breeze? That is a neighborhood I would love to live in!

CK: I have tried to make it pretty freaking obvious that my one wish for Christmas is to see a nice pair of 80’s style tits. Thank god my wish came true. Tits are everywhere in this flick. For those sick bastards out there, you even get to watch a couple of hotties get slashed to pieces while wearing nothing but their birthday suits. This movie spoils you so bad, I found lying on the floor with nothing on but my Christmas stocking, and it wasn’t on my feet.

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GORY VIOLENCE

DK = 2.0      CK = 2.5

DK: I’ll admit that the gore was fairly average, but for some reason it was enhanced by a murderer dressed up as Santa. Most of the kills were pretty plain, but the “Death by antlers” scene was really cool. Still, not much excitement here.

CK: There wasn’t much blood or gore in this film with the exception of one scene where Linnea comes to her untimely death by deer antlers. Now that is what I call Sticking it to her.

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MY RATING

DK = 3.0      CK = 3.5

DK: I give this movie a 3.0. It’s a very average and it really doesn’t hold up too well after all these years. Although the Christmas theme is a little disturbing and I’ll admit I was uncomfortable watching it at times, but that doesn’t have to be a negative.

CK: Being Christmas time and everything I am feeling a little more generous than usual. DK is right about the disturbing vibe it sends out. Something about a crazy killer Santa Clause slashing the hell out of people just makes you feel a little uneasy. That being said, I will give this movie a very solid 3.5.

 

 

DON’T OPEN TILL CHRISTMAS

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STAR POWER

DK = 0.5      CK = 1.0

DK: Since this film is set in England, it involves an all British cast that no one knows. Who are these people again? I’ll tell you one thing, the character Giles is a dead ringer for Steve Guttenberg with the only difference is his salt and pepper afro. But, too bad his acting skills are inferior to the Gutt, “Three Men and a Baby” might be one of the greatest acting achievements to ever grace the world of cinema.

CK: There is usually a reason why actors stay in foreign films….BECAUSE THEY SUCK ASS. The “Steve Guttenberg” as DK refers to is the character Giles. While I can see the resemblance, I guarantee that Guttenberg’s penis is much bigger. Sorry guys, if you are looking for a great piece of acting, you are closer to getting a great piece of shit.

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SCARE FACTOR

DK = 0.5      CK = 1.0

DK: Besides the main guy who plays a flute on the street for money, this movie wasn’t scary at all. There were some cool death scenes, but there wasn’t any tension in those same scenes. For instance, it cuts to a guy dressed as Santa Claus and then all of the sudden he gets killed off before you know it. Seriously a flute? Couldn’t they choose a more manly instrument like an Obo or a French Horn?

CK: This was a pretty lame attempt at creating a scary plot. Basically we get to see a couple of dummy detectives walking around with their dicks in hand trying to catch a psycho. With the body count reaching 14 you would think they could make at least one scene scary….WRONG! And what the hell is up with that flute?

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SEXY SCENES
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DK = 4.0      CK = 4.0

DK: Whoa! There was this model who had a knack for flashing everyone from the Flute Boy, the detectives, and the killer for fuck’s sake. Even “Sorest Rump” and “Schindler’s Fist” had less nudity….well…. maybe not.

CK: DK definitely got this one right!! The model/porn star was actress Pat Astley who was Britain’s 1970’s version of Pam Anderson. She had the looks, and the tits, unfortunately she also had British teeth. Oh well, she almost gave me a super sized candy cane. I love looking at 80’s tits.

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GORY VIOLENCE

DK = 2.5      CK = 3.0

DK: There were some pretty cool death scenes, which involved a face frying, electrocution, and some poor sap who bled to death after his penis got chopped off as he was taking a piss. I’ve always wandered if your dick got sliced off and you had to take a piss, would the piss just dribble downward or would it be more of a chaotic projectile stream that resembles shotgun pellets being fired from a shotgun? Unfortunately this movie didn’t answer my question.

CK: I have to give these foreign film credit, they sure know how to make a mess. This movie is filled with sick and demented death scenes. Obviously the castration scene CUMS to mind as the best, but don’t sleep on the electrocution and flesh burning. This film pretty much covers every way to kill a fucking hobo dressed as Kris Kringle.

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MY RATING

DK = 2.0      CK = 2.5

DK: I’ll give this movie a 2.0. This flick actually started out pretty good and it had a lot of unintentional funny moments and that is why I’m giving this the “IT’S SO BAD IT’S FUNNY” trophy. But, when it got closer to the end, the film got bogged down to almost a screeching halt. All in all, only mildly entertaining.

CK: Feeling the good spirit of Christmas, I am going to give this one a 2.5. The storyline is actually better than the acting makes it, but that’s what you get from a bunch of redcoats. The only thing that kept me awake was the great tit shots, and the cool death scenes.

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THE DOUBLE FEATURE WINNER IS…

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FINAL THOUGHTS:

DK: Was I watching the same film? These two movies had the same style, feel, and obviously theme. As you watch these two together, it really does seem like more of the same, but I believe “Silent Night, Deadly Night” was a much better movie. That is my opinion and I’m sticking to it.

CK: This was a pretty decent matchup. Neither had a really strong storyline, but they were each pretty unique. Its not very often you see a slasher movie starring Santa Clause. Overall, “Silent Night,Deadly Night” had a little more excitement. That’s why I am voting it this months winner!!